If you have ever envied the lifestyle of a celebrity, there is one way you can have that experience. Go out and get a DUI. You may even get your picture on every site on the Internet, just like Justin Bieber.
Step One – Smell the Part
The first step is to take a big gulp of a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, swish it around in your mouth, gargle, then spit it out. Do this one more time and you are ready to take a drive through town. Don’t worry, you won’t be drunk or even impaired but a good PBR will make you smell like you are.
Step Two – Look the Part
Dip your index fingers in a bottle of pickled jalapeños and touch both of your eyes. You will stop screaming in a moment or two but your eyes will be bloodshot for hours. Next, remove one taillight bulb from your car and head out into the late evening. Give it an hour or two and you will eventually see flashing lights behind you.
Step Three – The Investigation
The first question Justin Bieber asked when he was pulled over was, “Why did you stop me?” Justin’s question may sound ludicrous until you find out he was traveling 3 mph below the speed limit. You on the other hand will know why you were pulled over since your taillight is in your glove box; ask anyway. The officer will politely tell you that your taillight is out but will take one look at your bloodshot eyes and immediately begin a DUI investigation.
Justin actually had bloodshot eyes as well, but most people do after pulling an all-nighter in the studio. In your case, you could try to tell the truth; “I got jalapeño juice in my eyes.” Justin’s excuse didn’t work either.
If it has been longer than 45 minutes, you may only have a slight whiff of alcohol on your breath but since you are going to DUI like a celebrity, the police report will probably read that you “reeked of alcohol.” Justin’s report was even more ridiculous.
Justin had no alcohol in his car and he had not been drinking; yet the officer stated in his report “I immediately smelled an odor of alcohol emanating from the driver’s breath and bloodshot eyes.” Wow. He could smell alcohol coming from his eyes?? Justin would later blow .01 BAC, what you would blow after a slice of white bread.
Step Four – The Investigation Continues
With bloodshot eyes and alcohol on your breath, you could do perfect back-flips during your sobriety tests and quote the Gettysburg Address backwards but that won’t help. It also won’t help when you start to argue like Justin, especially if you say something like, “Are you telling me it is &%#@ing illegal to get jalapeño juice in my eyes and gargle with PBR?”
Like Justin, you will have to leave your rented Lamborghini at the side of the road while you get hauled down to the station. Don’t be offended when everyone acts like a robot and they treat you like a piece of meat. You are no longer a person or in Justin’s case, a celebrity. You are a monster, arrested for DUI.
Step Five – The Aftermath
You, Justin, and countless other celebrities have been arrested for DUI. You can still find their mugshots online. Congrats to Justin for smiling big for the camera. Follow his example; it will be online forever so make it a good one.
The next part is important. If you are smart like Justin Bieber, you will hire a good DUI attorney so that you won’t end up with a conviction. However, since you want to DUI like a celebrity, you need to know that nobody knows the difference between an arrest and a conviction, so even when you are acquitted, everybody that knows you will think you got a DUI.
Just like Justin Bieber.